let's call it what it is, avoidance

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

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It was rather hard to believe that someone would even bother if they had no intention of looking up the proper answer and yet there it was in front of him, plain as day. If asphodel and wormwood are mixed together they form an elixir that restores and regulates a wizard's bowel functions. Yet another paper from yet another student who had the gall to enter his classroom and promptly not pay attention. To say that the year's latest batch of simpletons were already beginning to grate on his nerves would have been a bit of an understatement. And given that this particular essay bore the markings of what may well have been the most profound stupidity he’d ever seen, it was all Severus could do to keep from giving up hope altogether. The student in question had clearly not bothered to read the chapters on either of the plants in question. Understandable, perhaps, given that it was still early in the year and they'd clearly yet to be properly motivated in their studies, but he'd been sure to cover the asked after potion in great detail during the previous class. There we no excuses for this level of failure.

Slash after angry red slash appeared on the parchment before him. How difficult was it to take out a quill and scratch out a few notes each class? Apparently too difficult, given that the answer supplied had absolutely nothing to do with any of the potions in which a mixture of asphodel and wormwood could be found. A world weary sigh escaped him as he wrote ‘kindly take the time to look up the draught of living death, Mr. Finnegan’ at the bottom of the parchment in elegant red script. He refrained from adding ‘and stop wasting my time with this inane babble when you clearly haven’t done the homework,’ if only just barely.

By the time he’d finished correcting the three and a half lengths of parchment that followed that oh so promising beginning; Severus had half a mind to locate the nearest bottle of firewhiskey and down its contents without preamble. There had yet to be a single essay that he deemed acceptable, though one or two had come remarkably close. The rest of the essays sat patiently in small stack off in the left hand corner of his desk. If nothing else, he could be thankful for the fact that they could not articulate their feelings (or simply that they did not possess anything of the sort), lest they laugh at him for straining his eyes to make out the various different kinds of illegible scrawl and just generally wasting his time. There was a muggle saying if he recalled correctly, time is money, and the wizarding equivalent, time is measured in galleons. If that were the case, he certainly wasted enough of it correcting these pathetic excuses for potions essays too have become a rich man ten times over and then some.

Papers rustled as he shifted them, placing the most recently corrected essay atop a steadily growing stack. Hopefully he would be finished with them in the next hour or so, allowing him to get a head start on the latest batch of skelegrow for the hospital wing. Poppy had informed him just the other day that the wing’s stock was getting a bit low on the low side, and he had a mind to remedy the problem before it ran out completely. It wouldn’t due to run out of skelegrow with the first quidditch matches of the season approaching. Keeping students cooped up all summer and then allowing them to match off against one another on brooms immediately afterward tended to be a recipe for disaster, always ending in broken arms and noses and battered pride. That the Slytherin team caused the majority of these injuries didn’t even seem to cross Severus’s mind or, if it did, he just as soon dismissed it. Victory always came with a price, and Slytherins were always willing to pay the price, especially when that price was the blood of a rival house. Thankfully, the Slytherin team didn’t have a match for a while yet, so he would be spared the particular pleasure of being forced to watch children race around on brooms whilst ‘accidentally’ beating the tar out of one another. Such a pity.

The sound of approaching footsteps echoed from somewhere down the corridor and, not for the first time, Severus wished he’d had the sense to keep the door to his office well and properly shut. Nothing said bugger off like the closed door of one of the most uninviting Professors in all of Hogwarts. Just about anyone would think twice, perhaps even thrice before knocking on his office door when it was shut, even with a valid excuse for doing so. An open door was tantamount to saying ‘feel free to come and interrupt me. I’ve nothing better to do right now than dally with you little blighters.’ Hopefully whoever it was would have more sense than to interrupt him while he was in the midst of the tedium that was the grading process, not that he would have minded taking a break from the whole infernal business under normal circumstances, but the skelegrow wasn’t going to brew itself, and stopping for idle chatter meant putting it off yet again. He would rather brew it tonight and be done with it before Poppy had a time to take inventory and saddle him with yet another list of needed potions and ingredients. Merlin knew she’d get around to it sooner or later…he much preferred the idea of later…or never. There was something wholly unsatisfying about the whole business of brewing potions that he was so familiar with that he could easily brew them blindfolded, but needs must. The hospital wing was always in need of this or that and, as potions master, it was his duty to brew and deliver them as needed. Perhaps he could find some reason to give the owner of the steadily approaching footsteps a detention and have them brew it in his stead. With a proper set of instructions, he imagined that even a first year could manage the task well enough.

When the steps hesitated and finally halted just outside his door, Snape addressed his visitor without bothering to look up from his perusal of the latest travesty that was attempting to masquerade as a potions essay. “Are you waiting for a written invitation, or are you planning on coming in sometime this week?”

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WORDS; 1,095
TAG; lily
MUSIC; give me novacaine by green day
CREDIT; thavron @ caution
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[LILY JANE POTTER]

It had been a difficult and stressful week for Lily. She was exhausted. With the shock the whole school had had with the attack on the poor muggle born girl, and her husband’s sudden appearance here at Hogwarts, life seemed to be getting much more complicated. She was concerned for her son’s safety, he was reaching an age now where she couldn’t protect him all the time and dark wizards would be targeting him. Along with this Lily felt the over whelming pressure of her secret. Almost every day after teaching, upon returning to her room she’d let her emotions take over and cry her heart out. She was reaching breaking point, after all she was only one person and only now she was really fully aware of the consequences of her actions. With one single sentence her life could change forever, and she could lose everyone she had ever loved.

She knew it would be hard coming back to Hogwarts where all her secrets hid, but she thought perhaps things would fall into place, and she would be happy. However being so close to the son she would never be able to call hers was killing her slowly inside. It had been so difficult to give him up; the night he was taken from her Lily had crawled from her bed and spent the night lying on the bathroom floor trying to nurse her aching heart. She didn’t think she had the strength to pick herself up and continue with her life as if nothing had happened, but the cry of her other newborn baby pulled at Lily’s heart strings and gave her the strength to continue.

Lily lifted her head from her desk, she’d been marking papers for the past two hours, but her mind wasn’t in the task. It continued to wander backwards and forwards, her mixed emotions, worries and memories would not keep quiet. ‘Get it together Lily’

[/b] she muttered to herself, massaging her forehead as she tried to rid her mind of all her insecurities. ‘Damn it!’ uttered with irritation as she knocked the ink pot over covering the papers she was marking in black ink. Pulling out her wand she tapped the desk ‘scourgify’ she said and the ink dissolved leaving the papers unmarked.

Deciding it was for the best she put the papers away, what was annoying her most was the lack of contact she’d had with Severus. How could he so coolly go about his day to day chores when Lily couldn’t even sit down and mark a set of papers? She needed to know if he was going to keep his word to her, would he keep her secret. Or now so many years on would he let slip how she had been adulterous. Lily went over to the large mirror on the side of the classroom wall, pushing her hair back she ran her finger across the dark circles that were slowly appearing her eyes. With a sigh she let her long red locks fall across her face, what was the use in even trying, she needed a good night’s sleep. Lily wished she could go home for a few days, perhaps the change of scenery would help stop her from worrying. It would certainly put James mind to rest.

Then it struck her, why couldn’t she approach Severus herself. After all they were both adults, and she couldn’t continue working in such close proximity with him, without discussing the problem at hand. Perhaps it wasn’t a good idea, but for her own sanity Lily needed to speak to him. Gathering all the strength she could muster, Lily smoothed her dark green shirt and skirt down. She was going to have to find him now, for if she left it any longer she would change her mind.

Lily made her way down to the dungeons, her shoes clicking softly on the stone floor; she walked with defiance to the corridor where Severus’s office was. As soon as she descended to the dungeons the temperature dropped, she couldn’t understand how anyone could be comfortable working in such conditions. She rubbed her arms trying to stop the goose pimples from appearing, perhaps it was the cold that cause them, but it was more likely the feeling of dread as her eyes fixed upon Severus’s office door. There was no going back now.

Lily hesitated wondering if it were best to knock or go in all guns blazing, even after all the years Lily had know Severus she still didn’t know the best way to approach him.

“Are you waiting for a written invitation, or are you planning on coming in sometime this week?”

A familiar voice drifted out to greet her, apparently she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought, of course it was very hard to surprise Severus, he always seemed to know more than he let on. Lily took a deep breath, before opening the door and stepping into his office. She shut the door quietly behind her, holding the door handle for a second longer than one usually might, it was as if she were about to walk out of the room again. Her green eyes fixed upon the face of one Severus Snape. He was much changed since she last remembered his face like hers was more aged, with obvious lines across his forehead. Lily looked down at the floor unable to make eye contact with him before she spoke ‘Hello Severus’ she started, ‘have you been avoiding me by any chance?’[/b] she added stepping further into his office and glancing around. ‘We need to talk Severus.’[/b] Lily continued her voice was surprisingly firm and did not reflect how shaky she felt.

It was strange how much their relationship had changed since they were children, they had spent many a day together down in the dungeons making potions and talking. She’d preferred his company to any of the other students at Hogwarts. Yet now as she stood awkwardly in his presence those days seemed so very long ago.


TAG. Snape,
WORDS. 1,010
MUSIC. N/A
NOTES. o.O sorry if this is confusing...
CREDITS. jurate @ CAUTION, please don't steal![/blockquote][/blockquote][/size]

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

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Gone was the radiant girl who’d stolen his heart, and in her place stood a woman whose once brilliant green eyes had dulled considerably. Signs of a rough beginning made themselves readily apparent, dark circles beneath eyes that were halfway to being bloodshot from lack of sleep and certain added paleness to her skin. There was little doubt in Severus’s mind as to whether or not this had to do with the students. No, newly hired or not, dealing with children had always been something that Lily Potter had had a particular knack for.

Children…it was readily apparently why she had come, it was for the same reason that he’d been going about his days like an automaton, teaching without thinking, drowning himself in a potent mixture of rotten essays and top of the line firewhiskey, trying not to catch her eye at the Head Table, the only time he allowed himself to come into contact with her…and even then he had refrained from actually speaking with her. Some part of him, a damned foolish part, he acknowledged, had been hoping that she’d be willing to let it go, to leave things as they were and make do with what she had. He much preferred the chilling silence that had fallen between them to the thought of facing off with her while she was driven by emotion, as she would undoubtedly be if they were to discuss the subject of his son…their son.

The night on which he was conceived had carried with it a fervent hope that things might change, that against all odds everything would go back to the way it had been during their schooling days. Foolish thoughts that he assumed he’d managed to banish for good, a carefully constructed mask of callousness, and a façade meant to make her despise him – always kept up with the greatest difficulty – had been swept aside the second he’d opened the door and gotten a good look at her. Eyes ringed red from crying, skin too pale, tears drying on her cheeks in salty little trails even as more continued to fall, body trembling in his arms later as he held her, comforted her. Even he had not been able harden his heart enough to abandon her when she had been in need, when she had gone out of her way to come to him, not one of her little friends in the order, not Dumbledore, not James bloody ‘thinks he’s a god’ Potter or the ever ready to console Lupin, but him. It had been a moment of weakness for the both of them, one that they had shared in the only way that two desperate individuals knew how, by making a mistake.

Since then he’d tried to put the incident from his mind, a task that had become all but impossible from the first moment he’d spied familiar green eyes staring back at him from the Head Table as he’d entered the Great Hall for the first meal of the new school year. From that moment on he found himself reminiscing against his better judgment, unable to put from his mind the feel of skin and the smell of her hair. Images of their two bodies lying entwined on dark sheets invaded his mind whenever he was alone, but more than anything, he recalled the small smile of gratitude that she’d given him when he held her for the first time in forever, the smile that had left him hoping against hope itself that things might be different – a child’s hope. That hope and the smile both had died with the morning.

A mistake she had called the previous night, as he’d known she would, known but had not been willing to admit until he’d been proven correct. Merlin how he’d wanted her to stay as he’d watched her flee from him, from what they’d done. It wasn’t the first time a chance at happiness had walked away from him, Lily Potter had made the act an art form, one that left him feeling like a blank canvas that was simply waiting for her to paint it with emotion, that would bear the agony of loving her for the idea of moments that he knew full-well would never come. It wasn’t the first time, but it was just as painful, and it wasn’t likely to be the last time either.

As she spoke, Severus found himself drawn back into the present, worried for a moment that he’d let something slip in the set of his shoulders, which tensed the moment she spoke. Never mind the fact that his gaze briefly bore traces of the sorrow that had been haunting him since the night she’d left. Thankfully, when he looked up, Lily appeared to be staring pointedly at anything but him, unwilling or unable to look him in the eye.

Yes, hate the man who has taken your child from you. Disregard the fact that the boy is just as much mine as he is yours, that I have as much of a right to raise him as you do. The words that needed to be said stuck in his throat as he took in her sullen almost fearful appearance. Inwardly, he cursed himself for his own weakness. ”I promise you I have better things to occupy my time than going out of my way to avoid a colleague” he replied curtly. Yes, a colleague, nothing more than a colleague, that was good. It smacked of untruth, but it was good. Let her think she meant nothing to him, that that night had meant nothing to him. It was for the best.

Beneath the desk, where his hands had fallen the moment he realized that he’d not be getting any grading done until she’d said her peace, Severus’s hands tensed, gripping at his robe. The rest of his appearance, however, bore few signs of agitation. He forced his shoulders to relax and gazed at her with the same amount of annoyance that he reserved for any given individual who interrupted him while he was working. He could control himself. He would control himself and be rid of her as soon as humanly possible. ‘We need to talk Severus.’ Inwardly, he winced. Already they would be starting this conversation on her terms, in dangerous territory. For Merlin’s sake, why couldn’t she leave it alone? “And what is it, exactly, that we have to discuss?” He prided himself on the fact that he didn’t choke on the words as he spoke. Instead, they came out with the customary, clipped evenness for which he was known.

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WORDS; 1,136
TAG; lily
MUSIC; give me novacaine by green day
CREDIT; thavron @ caution
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[LILY JANE POTTER]

The pace of Lily’s heart beat altered as she let her green eyes fall back to the man at the desk. The pace picked up with such speed Lily thought she might faint, the nerves were starting to take over her body and she trembled slightly as she waited for Severus to reply. She felt a surge of emotions take over her mind and soul adding to the sensation that she was falling, that this room she was stood in didn’t exist and she was merely dreaming. However as she gained control over her body, tensing so the slight tremors would subside, she realized it wasn’t a dream and she had made the journey she had so often dreaded. Her emotions were crippling her, she felt a terrible anger and fear, but the worst was the heartache. She couldn’t describe the terrible tenderness that tugged at her heart strings, the aching pain that often made her feel tired, and the only cure was the sweet relief of sleep. Sometimes her dreams would be layered with a pain that was unbearable; her desire for contentment and happiness was always just out of reach.

Lily thought back to the night she had visited Severus, she had felt so alone, the world around her seemed to be changing fast and she couldn’t keep up. She’d gone to the only person she felt might understand her, the only other man who had ever made her feel truly at ease. She didn’t know what she was looking for but something deep down told her she had to see Severus. Those first few moments she spent in his presence made her even more desperate, she vaguely recalled him offering her a drink, but perhaps he hadn’t. Lily’s hearing had been clouded with a high ringing as she gazed upon the face of an old friend and soon to be lover. The first kiss they shared filled Lily with hope as she opened her heart to an old friend, and old friend whom had hurt her more than she liked to admit. The moment the word ‘mudblood’ had left his lips she’d felt as if the walls of their friendship had been ripped to shreds, he’d betrayed her trust, all to save face. The first kiss healed many old wounds for Lily, however in the process opened many fresh ones, each with more severity than the last. It was only after, she realized what a fool she’d been, the love and security she was looking for was at home the whole time.

On many levels Lily regretted the night she visited Severus, after all, she’d done James an awful injustice by lying to him all these years about the true parentage of April. Yet at the same time she held the memory in a special place in her heart. She was often afraid to pull the memory out, but when she did she regarded it as something that was special, almost sacred. After all if it wasn’t for that night she would never have had her beautiful daughter April. It was the confusion of Lily’s feelings that added to her nerves, how could it be possible for one person to bring her so much pain and pleasure to her life?

The tension in the air only enhanced her nerves, so rather than standing there looking awkward Lily moved silently across the room stopping to look at several jars of potion ingredients stacked neatly on shelves against the wall. She tensed again as Severus spoke,

”I promise you I have better things to occupy my time than going out of my way to avoid a colleague”

Lily turned to look him in the eyes as he said this, an obvious expression of hurt flickered across her face as she tried to read Severus’s expression. The word ‘colleague’ seemed so formal, and somehow the way Severus said it made it seem almost cold. Lily looked back at the ingredients picking a jar off the shelve and inspecting the ingredients.

“And what is it, exactly, that we have to discuss?”

Lily didn’t respond for a moment to the short reply Severus gave her, she merely stared with a glazed expression at the jar as she tried to collect her thoughts. It was only after a long moment of silence did she realize the jar she was holding contained mandrake root. ‘I expect you’ll be needing a lot more of this, what with that poor girl being petrified’ Lily said with a sad tone as she placed the jar back giving her full attention to Severus.

She moved slowly to the table that was opposite Severus’s desk, leaning against it she looked at him properly for the first time since her arrival in his office. He appeared to be slightly tense, but apart from that he seemed almost bored with her presence which infuriated her. She wanted to ask him many questions, she wanted to talk about their situation, hoping that talking would set her mind at rest and allow her to continue on with her life, but his short tempered nature made her slightly weary she couldn’t bear to hear him say anything hurtful to her.

‘Severus please...’the words fell from Lily’s lips before she even realized it, biting her tongue she took a deep breath, giving herself a moment to calm down, ‘you know want I want to talk about, it’s hard enough working here at the moment with all the stress of these attacks,’ Lily paused for a second smoothing her skirt down as she thought, ‘I just can’t bear this hostility between us, I need to talk about it Severus, or else I will go mad’.

[/b] Lily didn’t expect for him to be able to understand how torn apart she felt, how difficult it was to be so close to her son and to never be able to hold him like a mother should hold her son.

To anyone that knew Severus, the notion of having a talk about ‘feelings’ must have seemed completely absurd, but Lily had gone past the point of reason, and once she made her mind up about something not even Merlin himself would be able to change her mind.



TAG. Snape,
WORDS. 1,038
MUSIC. N/A
NOTES. This is soo hard to write! So many things to think about! I know the grammers sightly off in places but i ran out of ways to word the feelings I was like arh! Scary Stuffs! =]
CREDITS. jurate @ CAUTION, please don't steal![/blockquote][/blockquote][/size]

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

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Silence was his master, the guiding force that enabled him to turn others away in quick succession. Let it stretch itself out for too long and conversation was abandoned. He had always been a devout pupil in this regard, never overlooking the chance to fall into contemplative silence, to watch and wait until the moment when it had stretched too far for a given conversation to hold, and whoever had approached him realized their error and beat a quick retreat. It wasn’t often that silence managed to unnerve him and, on some level, Severus felt that he had been betrayed when Lily didn’t respond to him immediately, leaving him to stew. He should have insisted that he was far too busy to see her, should have found a suitable excuse and sent her on her way.

He should have known better. Cling to something for too long and it lost its value as a protective force, never mind the fact that silence had always been something of a double edged sword. The silence made him uneasy. It had the quality of a bomb about to go off and only one party knew when the timer would run out. Severus had alway hated not knowing. And so he sat there, form rigid, eyes following her warily as she wandered across the room and looked over the jars of ingredients, neatly ordered by name and lined upon the shelves – as she looked at anything but him.

After that last brief glance in his direction, Severus couldn’t say that he wasn’t thankful for the fact that her full attention was elsewhere. The moment their eyes had met he’d felt trapped, pinned to his seat and open to her gaze, his heart rate picking up, a sudden surge of emotion threatening to shatter his carefully constructed mask of indifference. How she had come to have this particular effect on him he would never know, or perhaps he was simply unwilling to admit the why. Love and Severus Snape didn’t exactly go hand in hand and, given the fact that wished to continue to see her alive and well, they likely never would. That night, that moment of pain and pleasure, rapture and weakness, he had to set it behind him, lock it away in the depths of his mind and deny that it had ever existed, that it could ever exist. He was in too deep and he knew it well, best to back pedal, to isolate, to forget...How he wished he could forget, and yet the memory of that night had kindled a small flame of a hope in the darkness, so small and fragile and beautiful, and he was half afraid to go near it, let alone to extinguish it. He couldn't forget.

Severus watched as Lily plucked one of the jars from the shelf and examined it a moment. He couldn’t imagine that something as simple as a mandrake root could capture her interest for long, though given the recent happenings and the reopening of the Chamber of Secrets, perhaps it could. A man could hope, in vain though that hope might be. ‘I expect you’ll be needing a lot more of this, what with that poor girl being petrified’ Severus made a show of turning his attention back to the papers set out before him, feigning disinterest.

“Clearly. Let us hope for the students’ sake that Pomona’s mandrakes reach maturity sooner rather than later, or I may find my hands tied.” Talk of ingredients and their sudden necessity was certainly preferable to discussing what he knew she’d come to discuss, and then she turned to face him and it was as he’d feared. The mandrakes had only been able to distract her for so long. A calculated distraction perhaps or a form of avoidance, either way the moment their gazes locked he found himself fervently wishing that she’d go back to examining the countless jars.

‘Severus please...’ He winced inwardly at the hint of desperation in her tone, at the plea that was as much in her voice as it was inherent in the words themselves...and that gaze, those eyes. Don’t look at me like that. She didn't know what she was doing to him...She couldn’t know what she was doing to him. ‘You know want I want to talk about, it’s hard enough working here at the moment with all the stress of these attacks. I just can’t bear this hostility between us, I need to talk about it Severus, or else I will go mad.’ Hostility was one way to put it, the tame, politically correct way to put it. Hostility. Not passion, longing, despair, love, hatred, a mixture that made for the utmost in misery, just hostility. Such an oversimplification.

For the span of several minutes, Severus allowed silence to reign supreme, returning his attention to grading once again, trying to reign in his own emotions behind a mask of callousness. With the number of years he'd used successful employed this very facade against the Dark Lord and his followers, in the midst of countless debates and the most excruciating forms of torture, his body little more than agony, this should have been child's play. It wasn't, and Merlin how he hoped it would hold. He couldn’t even look at her. he knew that if he looked up now, all would be lost. Contrary to popular belief, he was not made of stone. How much easier all of this would be if he had been crafted from some facet of the unfeeling earth instead of flesh and bone and feeling.

”I see.” His tone was even when he finally spoke, if not as sharp as he would’ve liked. ”And am I correct in assuming that what I want isn’t going to be entering into this equation?” Much better, deflect, avoid, drive her away. He didn’t meet her eyes as he spoke. The scratch of quill against parchment filled the silence that followed denying the existence of the unspoken words, a plea that was never to be voiced. 'Please don't ask this of me.' He knew what she would ask next, and already his mask was wearing thin. This couldn't continue.

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WORDS; 1,057
TAG; lily
MUSIC; give me novacaine by green day
CREDIT; thavron @ caution
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[LILY JANE POTTER]

All the air in the room seemed to get sucked out, as Lily waited for Severus to answer her somewhat desperate plea; her lungs seemed incapable of coping with the stale air as her breathing rate increased. The silence in the room was unbearable, only the distant sound of chattering voices could be heard. It had been a long time since Lily had felt so out of control, the tension was strained but she held her ground. It was time. Fate had brought her back to Hogwarts, although she wondered now why she had let fate drag her away from the safety of James arms. She couldn’t understand how she had let her life become such a tangled web of lies, now each lie she had told was laced with destruction. It was as if she was picnicking in the crater of a volcano, any moment a small tremor could cause the volcano to blow, demolishing everything she had worked so hard for.

As Lily’s eyes stared directly at the man who had become so unrecognisable to her, she wished intently that she had a time turner, if she had been brave enough in her youth to face up to her mistakes perhaps now she wouldn’t have been stood waiting intently for any response that would relax her aching heart. How could Severus ever understand how she felt, after all he hadn’t carried both children for nine months. He hadn’t felt the tiny kicks that reminded her she wasn’t alone, that she belonged to the tiny hearts that beat inside of her. She’d been swollen with his children, her heart skipping a beat every time she felt them stir, as she looked forward to the first moment her eyes would meet theirs, but that moment wasn’t to be for long as one child was taken from her arms too soon. The bond between mother and son broken, she had often tried to convince herself that she had never carried another son, but the scars went further than marking her skin. Her mind was imprinted with the image of the tiny newborn baby boy that she had held for a moment, the babies first cries had often woke her at night, as if calling her back to him. Lily was sure she was the worst mother alive, after all she’d given her child up so easily and just to save herself. What mother would ever do that? She was certain she was paying for her sins now.

The silence dragged on, Lily was almost ready to throw herself on the cold stone floor in desperation, but something inside of her stopped her from doing so. Lily still had strength inside; if she had been more in touch with her own feelings she would have realized that the part of her stopping her from throwing herself on the floor was the part of her that wanted to rebuild her old friendship with Severus. She wanted to nurture and love a man that seemed so devoid of it, she wanted grab a paintbrush and add colour and lightness to his world, only she didn’t realize it and if she did she would never be able to acknowledge the desire.

It was at that point Severus spoke, "And am I correct in assuming that what I want isn’t going to be entering into this equation?” Lily flinched; his tone seemed robotic, as if he were dead and merely uttering words he thought were expected from him. He hadn’t answered her question, she felt as if she were playing a game of wizard’s chess, any moment one of them could make the wrong move and find their pieces destroyed, lain strewn across the board. He was currently playing the defensive and so her two only possible moves were to retreat or to attack. No one ever got anywhere by retreating and so Lily decided to attack, and risk the consequences of her move.

The scratch of his quill filled the silence as Lily debated whether to ask the ultimate question, she didn’t know where the line began or ended but she knew she was stepping on dangerous territory. She couldn’t comprehend what he meant, after all he had what he wanted, he had his son. Her son. Their son.

Lily took a deep breath as she tried to recover from feeling completely winded after he spoke, her stomach turning knots as she asked the inevitable question, the silence has lasted only a few seconds but it stretched on like hours as she opened her mouth and asked ‘what is it exactly, Severus, that you want? I was under the impression you had got what you wanted?’ she said, referring to Ethan, ‘Severus please stop being so damned elusive and speak to me.’

The first tremors that threatened to set off a chain of reactions resulting in Lily’s world being strewn with burning larva shook, but she stood firm. There was no going back. If she had learnt anything from reading numerous muggle novels, there was still a chance for redemption, a chance to save herself and the people around her before the deceit and lies brought her inevitable destruction.


TAG. Snape,
WORDS. 864
MUSIC. Lilys Playlist
NOTES. Sorry its not really long, and i'm sure i've repeated myself!
CREDITS. jurate @ CAUTION, please don't steal!

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

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If there was any way for a man to willingly sign his own death warrant without knowing it at the time, then surely, Severus had found it. It had been a small eternity since she’d cared about what he’d wanted, since she’d even asked, but the words fell flat and he couldn’t help but imagine hidden daggers in them. No, there was nothing imagined about it. Her words were venom, whether intended that way or not, they stuck him, scalded him, left him reeling, and for a moment his mask slipped – he looked stricken.

‘What is it exactly, Severus, that you want? I was under the impression you had got what you wanted?’

It was almost impossible to connect her statement to that which was intended, no doubt she had been referring to his taking of their son, but in that moment her words conjured up images of soft skin and the press of bodies, of every sort of comfort or pleasure that a man might take with a woman. He’d gotten what he’d wanted? She might as well have slapped him in the middle of the Great Hall. How could she accuse him of such callousness, of being such an unfeeling…ah, but of course, what was he but a man walking the edge between dark and light, good and evil, perhaps she saw him now as the others did; perhaps James had brought her around to his line of thinking - ‘Snivellus is not to be trusted. Snivellus is an evil git, he probably just wants something.’ Oh he wanted something alright, he wanted to be left alone, to give himself away to solitude, to research various potions and ingredients to his heart’s content, to disappear to a place where there were no conniving old men, or cruel masters, or women hell bent of driving him mad.

”Were you?” he ground out, eyes glinting with sudden malice. ”Well, perhaps you ought to rethink your assessment.” His response was terse, his words sharp - arrows looking for a target, some tender bit of flesh to sink into. It was as though the two were speaking a completely different language. Even as the words were the same, the verbal dance was the same – deny everything, avoid the hurt, avoid it, avoid it! they couldn’t see eye to eye, couldn’t convey their respective messages, their respective feelings. Perhaps they never would. Severus knew early on that he hadn’t any talent for feeling, let alone for expressing it.

Rage coiled within him like some great beast preparing to strike, and strike he did. If looks could transfer intent, Severus’s fierce glare would have set the parchment before him ablaze by now.

He looked up quite suddenly, fixing Lily, for a moment, with that unguarded gaze – all rage, and sorrow, and utter agony.’ Let her know that she has done this to you, let her know that she is not the only one that is human, that she is not the only one who can feel this pain’ some part of him whispered…and then there was the vehement and resounding ‘no’ that followed, and just as suddenly as he’d turned his gaze upon her, he tore it away and stared fixedly at his quill as he dipped it into an inkpot, prepping it for another round of scathing commentary.

‘Severus please stop being so damned elusive and speak to me.’

He wondered briefly if Lily Potter wouldn’t be the death of him, for even in this moment, his blood boiling with rage, body tensed, words aiming to injure, Severus knew that he would give his life for her in a heartbeat, should it become necessary, that he would do anything to keep her safe - safe from the Dark Lord, safe from Greyback and his pack of flea-bitten miscreants, safe from himself.
Such a realization might have shattered a lesser man.

Severus’s fingers tightened around his quill until his knuckles stood out white and angry against its sleek near-translucent surface. The sound of the quill scratched back and forth across the parchment filled the silence once more, until it had drawn itself out past the point of comfort. Had it been anyone else, they would have left by now, but not Lily. Stubborn as any other Gryffindor, she stood defiant and waited for him to respond, waited for an answer that he could not give.

Her gaze was a heavy upon him, burning into him until he set his quill aside and rose, crossing the room to stare at the host of ingredients lined up along the far wall, just as Lily had only moments before. Later he would tell himself that he had done so for no other reason than to reorder his thoughts. Something about looking over the labels, each scrawled with care and painstakingly ordered, calmed him. He would deny that his movement had anything to do with being overwhelmed, with needing to be near her, if only for a moment, despite the circumstances. His fingertips most certainly had not brushed her robe as he’d passed.

Finally, he spoke. ”And what would you have me say? That I’m pleased that my only daughter is being raised by a man I despise, a man who spent years going out of his way to vex me at every turn?” the word torture formed on his lips, but was summarily dismissed. To admit to being tortured by such childish antics was to admit weakness and that, he would not do, for to admit weakness to her would end in being pitied or comforted, neither of which could possibly end well. Let her think him cold and unfeeling. So be it! ”That I want the same for my son?” He turned to face her. Merlin, please let her leave after this.

”Would you have me tell you that I want you in my life or out of it?” Meaning: Do you want me in your life or out of it? The question slipped out of its own volition and, immediately, he wished to retract it. That was not a question that he wished her to answer, would have ever wanted her to answer. That he had even thought it in her presence, let alone actually posed it, suggested that he was slipping, that his control was wire thin and still stretching, still being tested, beginning to fail.

Of all the fool things to say...He would have given anything to keep from hearing the answer to that question.

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WORDS; 1,101
TAG; lily + fabian? (might be a good time for an interruption)
MUSIC; give me novacaine by green day
CREDIT; thavron @ caution
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[SIRIUS ORION BLACK]

The Auror office was an energetic one, filled with memos constantly soaring across the space, loud laughter, and at times the occasional shouting match. Every member of the force was something of a strong personality, and even though there were a number of them out on duty at the time, it still felt like a full house. A group hung in the corner, pouring over a long scroll of parchment that fell to the floor, flowing down by their feet. Sirius could just make out the dark figure of his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, leaning with a pretty scowl in her frame as they unrolled the scroll until he could ony see half of her. He nodded at a familiar face as they looked up and caught his eye before he darted into his cubicle to throw on his traveling cloak. James' cubicle sat empty across from his, but Sirius knew exactly where he was. They'd both been stationed at Hogwarts for the time being, and from what he could remember, this was James' shift to patrol the exterior of the castle. The place was crawling with Auror's these days, but that was to be expected with the recent events.

Sirius left the offices on auto pilot. Normally he would have just taken the floo to Hogwarts, but the network into the school had been temporarily shut down in order to make it more secure, and so he had to take the long way there. Thankfully apparating still was much faster than taking his motorcycle (which he hadn't gotten to fly in a long while, unfortunately), and so he reached Hogsmeade only moments after leaving the Ministry. He trekked the way to the threstral drawn carriages, and settled down inside one, relaxing into the soft seats, his tense shoulders rolling as he tried to enjoy these few moments before reaching the school.

The very last thing that Sirius wanted to be doing today was visiting Severus Snape, but his job held many lackluster duties and this was just one of the many he had to fold for. Upon being asked (which of course meant he'd been told, because you just didn't say no to your chief, every decent Auror knew that) to meet with Snape and have a word about supplying the Aurors stationed at Hogwarts with some helpful potions, Sirius had quickly agreed. Of course, this was exactly the type of thing that he didn't want to do, but he'd been given the task, and there was nothing else to it.

The carriage came to a stop, and Sirius pushed the door open, stepping out onto the familiar grounds. It was safe to say that he'd seen more of Hogwarts in the past week than he had since the days he'd called the place home. It was nice to be back, breathing in the air of the old school, walking the corridors he'd long ago paraded down with his mates, but it didn't feel the same. The school was heavy with the stress of the attack on the muggleborn girl, no one felt as comfortable as they had in the past. The times were quickly growing more dangerous, which was why so many Order members had been put up in teaching positions at the school, including his very own wife. The only positive thing about now being stationed at Hogwarts was that he got to see Hestia much more often than he had since she started teaching. Of course they were both still so busy that the time they spent together was too short, and often filled with hurried, and worried, conversation. But being close helped, and knowing that he could keep a better eye on his kids definitely helped too.

Sirius didn't spot James anywhere on the outside of the school, instead he got to throw a small smile to a pair of his colleagues he didn't actually know all that well. He pushed through the front doors and headed straight for the direction that would lead him down to the dungeons. He would have much prefered to be heading up, to visit Hestia, but he knew that he had to get this unpleasant task over with first. He walked down the steps heavily, knowing that what awaited him was a very uncomfortable, likely quite hostile, meeting. Especially since Snape had no knowledge that he was on his way. Which was much better than allowing him prior knowledge, because Sirius didn't want him to be ready with all the reasons he was far too busy to help out the likes of him. Of course if he didn't agree Sirius knew that Dumbledore would more than likely step in and that would be the end of it. Still, he took the steps down to the path that lead to Snape already feeling his foul mood settling in. Snape was one of the last people in the world he wanted to be forced into dealing with, and he knew that getting him to agree to reasoning wasn't going to be easy. In fact, he didn't know what the chief had been thinking by sending him to do this, because it wasn't likely to end very well. Nothing with them ever did.

The door was shut firmly when Sirius reached it. He let out a huff of a sigh, as he stared at the dark wood, wishing that he could be out there patroling with James. It would certainly have beat trying to have a civil, professional discussion with the grease ball. He was about to knock when his ears picked up on the sound of a muffled conversation. It appeared that Snape was already busy with someone else, but of course that didn't matter. The security of the school came before something as idiotic as a detention or as boring as a remedial potions lesson. So, preparing himself for the worst however many minutes of his already tiring week, Sirius struck the door with a heavy knock, and then crossed his arms, waiting to be let in. Without a doubt, this was going to suck.

word count: 1014
tag: Lily and Snape

[LILY JANE POTTER]

Time seemed to stand still in the small office that was placed so far beneath Hogwarts, she wouldn’t be surprised if the laws of time were very different beneath the ground of Hogwarts than above. She waited with bated breath for a response, anything that would help her understand what the plot of the scene was. Lily felt as if she were at home watching a muggle film unfold, the story was so obvious and the outcome clear, but for some reason the characters couldn’t see what they were destined for. The sound of her question was lingering in the air around the two, it was teasing, poking her cruelly as she waited. She wanted desperately to be able to wave her wand and make all this stop, to erase her mistake, to stop herself from drowning in the lies that taunted her. The deceit was poisonous, wrapping itself around her, as she nervously avoided reading Severus’s body language, and avoiding eye contact with him.

”Well, perhaps you ought to rethink your assessment."

His response was sharp, and it cut through Lily like a knife, a fury took over her body as she tried desperately to control her emotions, her anger was fuelled by his apparent indifference to her plight and she shook slightly. When Lily recalled the night which wasn’t often as the very memory sent shivers of fear down her, she would recall the confused feelings that swarmed through her head that night. It was awful, the very memory would fill her head with all the emotions she had felt that night, and it was as if she were reliving the events. The pain, hurt, confusion, love, passion and blind insanity would engulf her very soul, making her question herself. She often thought she was a rather down to earth person but when the memory of that night crawled into her thoughts she would question her own sanity. After all what sane women would have risked so much for a few moments of blind passion?

She found it incredibly difficult to connect the man that stood before her to the youthful boy who had excitedly informed her of her magical abilities. The two seemed worlds apart, he was so tense, unfeeling and stern. All passion, humanity and love seemed to have been drained from him. They’d both been filled with such hope for the future, and yet somewhere the two of them had parted ways, chosen separate paths. Lily couldn’t see her own future let alone see a future where the deceit could find its way into the light, she was certain that if things were to be put right her future would vanish there would be nothing but darkness. She was sure that if the truth were to become clear James would leave her, and without James she would cease to exist. She knew that no matter how much she might break James heart, her love for him would endure, and hopefully this love would fix everything. But Lily couldn’t bare to put her theory to the test, no matter how much she felt her love would perhaps save them she knew it couldn’t, after all it was merely an emotion it wasn’t substance, it couldn’t protect the family from the hurt and pain she would cause.

She couldn’t understand what exactly he meant by that statement, what was there to rethink? After all she was right, he’d got his son, she’d lost her child to him. She’d never felt as furious as she did in those few moments, all the years of pain and frustration were bubbling up inside of her as she shook harder. Her hand was aching to reach for her wand and send a good painful hex his way, that would serve him right. If she didn’t know any better she might have done just that. Instead the anger frustratingly seemed to overpower her and she crossly fought back the tears that threatened to flow.

Lily held her breath as Severus quite suddenly placed his quill down and crossed the room to the stack of shelves, that she had only moments before been looking at. He passed so close to her that she was certain she had felt his finger tips brush past her, and she shivered not daring to look at him as she tried hard to think of anything but the situation that was slowly spiralling out of control.

”And what would you have me say? That I’m pleased that my only daughter is being raised by a man I despise, a man who spent years going out of his way to vex me at every turn?”..."That I want the same for my son?”... ”Would you have me tell you that I want you in my life or out of it?”

Lily blinked as Severus’s words slowly worked their way into her head, as she tried desperately to make sense of the sentences he had placed before her. Her mind was clouded with emotion, all she could hear was a loud buzzing, making his words confusing. She was tired, and becoming more irritated and frustrated by the second, her patience was shortening. Why did he have to be so frustrating, why couldn’t he talk to her like a normal person instead of giving her all these cryptic messages?

‘Severus I would have thought by now you would have got over the mistakes that were made when you were both school children. I would appreciate it if you would put those feelings in the past, we have more important things to concern ourselves with than your childhood grievances’

[/b] the words fell out of Lily’s lips before she had time to realize it, perhaps she could blame her red hair for this one, people often told her she had a temper to match her fiery hair.

She took a deep breath as her frustration continued to play havoc with her emotions, a stray tear fell down her face and she bitterly wiped it away. She hoped he wouldn’t think it was because she was upset, she was beyond upset, she was frustrated because she couldn’t find an answer, she didn’t know how to fix the mess and Severus wasn’t cooperating with her in the way she would have liked.

‘Severus I’m not here to take your son away from you, I’m just not sure we’ve done the right thing, for the children. Not for us. God knows I’ve been a fool to think this could ever have worked, I should just resign, it would make life much easier for the both of us.’[/b] She said her tone filled with malice, the intention behind her words wasn’t to hurt, but to provoke, she was certain she wouldn’t get far without provoking him, it seemed to be the only way she could get any sort of reaction from him. It was almost as if he had given up on humanity all together and perhaps with it the ability to be reasonable.

Lily would have continued then and there to push him, she’d slowly past the point of being afraid of the consequences, a reaction was what she wanted, she wanted more than cryptic messages, and childish accusations. She wanted to delve beneath the surface and find the source of Severus’s actions.

Perhaps the two were lucky that a knock came at the door, Lily froze wondering who would be knocking on the door of one of Hogwarts most feared professors. Her face was certainly a picture, and with a mixture of confusion, hurt and anger she glared at Severus as if he had something to do with the sudden interruption. She tried to relax her face and to release the tension in her body but with no avail; she fervently hoped that her face didn’t give away the tears that had escaped from her earlier. To anyone entering into the office she hoped it would appear as if the two professors were merely having a meeting for professional reasons, and hopefully the tension that had lingered between the two only moments before had evaporated. She hoped whoever was disturbing them wouldn’t be wanting to take up to much of Severus’s time, she still had many unanswered questions she wanted to get to the bottom of.





TAG. Snape + Sirius
WORDS. 1,381
MUSIC. Love Never Dies!
NOTES. I hope this is ok, Lilys gone a tad schizophrenic i think! Aaha!
CREDITS. jurate @ CAUTION, please don't steal![/blockquote][/blockquote][/size][/blockquote]

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

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He’d known from the beginning that he had no chance of winning her over, that this ‘discussion’ of theirs would end badly. Surely she’d known it as well? Severus could think of a good many things that suited Lily. Stark stupidity wasn’t one of them. So why the confrontation? Why try to bait him, for even now he could sense that that was exactly what she was doing, baiting him. What could she possibly hope to gain from making him lose his carefully held control? Would that he could talk some sense into her, but there was no getting around the fact that she’d gotten under his skin, that in many ways, she was the only one who could.

‘Severus I would have thought by now you would have got over the mistakes that were made when you were both school children. I would appreciate it if you would put those feelings in the past, we have more important things to concern ourselves with than your childhood grievances’

Though he bandied insults with Potter and Black at meetings when the two let their childhood memories overtake them, he found that over the years he’d lost much of his fire. Though his words cut as deeply as they ever had, his heart wasn’t in them. It wasn’t that he’d stopped loathing them at any point, but that he’d simply stopped caring on some level. A hex here or there, a few harsh words might have driven him toward the path that he had chosen, to the mistakes that he had made, but in the end it had been his decision. He had put his trust in Lucius Malfoy and his faith in the Dark Lord, he’d been the master of his own cruel fate. The irony was almost poetic.

A bitter laugh escaped him as he turned toward Lily. She was shaking with rage. No doubt she would assume his laughter was meant to mock her. Well let her. His fists clenched at his sides, fingernails digging angry little crescents into his palm. And that he looked at her, really looked at her.

Even furious she was beautiful, a fiery goddess poised to pass her judgment upon him, and pass it she had. She’d found him lacking. How could she not? They’d all found him lacking, ever damn soul he’d ever met. He’d never been more than a stepping stone, a pawn, reality was a cruel mistress unlike any other, but he’d known that. Let her hate him for this if she would. He’d not be the awkward boy sitting outside Gryffindor Tower night after night waiting for her, waiting to apologize, to throw himself at her feet, to make amends. That boy was long dead and buried beneath layers of hate and a weariness that had seeped into his very bones. There was nothing like a well placed cruciatus curse or five to rob a man of his softer emotions.

‘Severus I’m not here to take your son away from you, I’m just not sure we’ve done the right thing, for the children. Not for us. God knows I’ve been a fool to think this could ever have worked, I should just resign, it would make life much easier for the both of us.’

”Do as you please. I have no interest in how you contend with your guilt. It has nothing to do with –“ A sharp rapping at the door interrupted him and Severus fell silent, turning to glare at it. In all honesty, he had half a mind to throw the door open and embrace whoever’d decided to come make force their presence upon him. Had he finished that sentence the way he’d intended, he knew he’d have been well and truly damned.

Severus crossed the room with a quick stride, his expression having faded into its usual stony impassivity by the time he’d reached the door though, notably, it lacked its usual hint of annoyance. Once he’d tugged the door open, however, all thoughts of reacting favorably to the man on the other side of it disappeared in an instant though, admittedly, it was the only time he’d ever been glad to see Sirius Black.

Regardless, he addressed his childhood tormenter with barely restrained venom as per usual. ”What do you want, Black?” he snapped, regarding the other man with distaste.

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WORDS; 729
TAG; lily & sirius
NOTE; sorry this sucked so hard...still burnt out from finals >.< my muse is apparently gone at present
CREDIT; thavron @ caution
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